Lessons from Alabama (aka The One in which I Attempt to Buy Booze)

When you buy 12 bottles of champagne on sale at Kroger for your friend’s bachelorette trip, then take them through the 15 items or less checkout line, thinking that you’re a damn genius and mentally high-fiving yourself for your marked down purchase of bulk booze and speedy checkout on a Saturday afternoon because the rest of those fools are waiting and waiting and waiting… the cashier will bust your ego cloud when she tells you that the state of Alabama requires each. individual. bottle. to be bagged. All 12 of them. Don’t you dare try to stick that bottle back in the cart with the others. Noooo. NOT OK. She’ll do it for you. And take her sweet merciful time.

Things to remember: Yes, you will look like an alcoholic, the good grocery shopping people and their children will judge you and ask you lots of questions like “Is somebody getting married?” or “What else is on the menu?” (they’re just so damn cute/ painfully obvious that way) and you have, no doubt, been added to some sort of Kroger watch list.

*Note: That run-on-ishly stupid sentence up top is making me physically ill.

Sincerely,

Sally B.