I won’t even pretend I’m doing something other than spending 2 hours deleting hundreds of month-old unread emails from Daily Candy, Word of the Day and Shop It to Me on the first day back. Obviously, I use my time effectively.

I’m totally patting myself on the back for being the only one not sick and hacking on everyone at the office this week. Obviously, my immune system got a planner for Christmas.

I bought a $15 dollar heater from Walmart instead of freezing to death in my office when it’s a recording-breaking 19 damn degrees out there. Obviously, you Alabama people are a bunch of whiny cold weather babies.

All you can do is smile nicely at the man who asks if you’re still holding on to Christmas when you walk in wearing an orange sweater over your green dress. Son of a bitch, all men are color blind, obviously.

It’s the perfect time to schedule a new official head shot for the Web site, even though I just got that mildly risky Thanksgiving haircut. Obviously, I totally don’t even care if these faux bangs make my face look fat.

Who does my boss think he is offering uninvited Amy Winehouse critiques?! He has LOST his damn mind if he thinks he’s qualified to discuss her beehive and public intoxication. Obviously, we will have this argument to the death in 2010.

I’m full of myself in 2010 and it’s only January. Obviously.

Sincerely,

Sally B.