I fully ADORE this time of year. But I want to spit when I get cheerful emails with titles like “Your Holiday Survival Guide” or “10 Ways to Survive the Season” from mags like Real Simple or Martha Stewart Living et al [I’m allowed to say this because I’m guilty of sending similar bogus shitmail this time of year.] only to open them and find a styled pic of some organizational product for candy canes invented by a stay-at-home mom or smartly designed wrapping paper holders that look like reindeer.

I suggest this: Make your own survival kit for the holidays. All you need is earplugs, as many 50ml bottles of Grey Goose as you can fit into one pocket of your coat, a Costco bag of chocolate-covered pretzels and a stash of itunes gift cards for the “friend” you didn’t think you were close enough to to buy a gift but makes you feel like an evil bitch when, in front of 15 people, she hands you a bottle of linen spray she probably made herself from the tears of angels. All stuffed inside a trash can full of tri-flavored popcorn and topped with a silver bow. The enemy… err, your mother… will never see it coming.

Mazel tov.

Sincerely,

Sally B.