Task forces are so HOT right now. In this country, we’ve got a task force on breast cancer screenings, a task force on climate change and now my employer has embraced the movement and has begun creating task forces all over campus. Yes, they’re important. Yes, they’ll help keep us safe and informed. Yes, they’re a wonderful excuse for a breakfast meeting and passive-aggressive e-communications. And, YES, someone thinks I have something to offer this sort of underground strategery because over the past few weeks I’ve been asked to join three of them. [Picture a community-run Baywatch, but instead of red swimwear, there’s a lime green construction hat, rubber goggles, a neon safety vest and an entire backpack full of triage tools, but no sun, sand or David Chokachi.]

I can’t be the best we’ve got. I talk during fire drills, “misplaced” my employee directory then asked for another one that I’ve only used to kill a spider in my office, can’t read a map unless it’s my GPS, bought a fish so I wouldn’t be alone when my roommate travels, sleep through tornado warnings, valet my car so I won’t lose it in the Lenox parking deck and once slept with a Mag Lite under my pillow for 2 months after I accidentally saw 5 minutes of Interview with a Vampire on TV. Though, I did own my first weather radio when I was 12.

And after what transpired in my head when I should have been paying attention at this morning’s introductory meeting to the full-fledged emergency exercise planned for next week, I think we’re in trouble:

7:58 a.m. I REALLY hate schlepping across campus. I mean, REALLY. I’m sweating like a pig now. Great, now I’m the sweaty campus walker of the meeting. Perfect start.

8:01 a.m. [Big smile] Please don’t sit next to me. Please don’t sit next to me. Please don… damnit.

8:02 a.m. Oh, there’s food. Thank god [meeting organizer] got bagels. Yessss, asiago! Ugh, I’d have been so pissed to sit through this thing with only crap coffee.

8:04 a.m. So there’s like 12 people here… and we all look like we just got fired from the local library. For burning books.

8:07 a.m. I wonder if somebody’s going to tell the intern she has cream cheese in her hair… shit, that really looks terrible… hehehe… asshole, do NOT laugh out lo… oh, and [meeting organizer] saves the day again.

8:10 a.m. Oh, god, [annoying unit director] is here. Walking in late. Good one. Yep, and she’s wearing my favorite of her Christmas necklaces. Those colored bulbs are ginormous. At least she got those braces off finally.

8:17 a.m. He said only three acronyms. That’s four. No way am I going to remember these. I’ll try… but I mean, no way. I can’t even remember what NASA stands for. National. Astro…

8:22 a.m. It would have been so bad if I’d laughed out loud at the intern right in the middle of this thing. Ok, that’s gotta be the 9th time I’ve looked up and [annoying unit director] is staring at me like I’m… shit, I bet I’ve got cream cheese in my hair… idiot [now staring down at my hair over my glasses]

8:29 a.m. I am so totally satisfied with these boots [crossing legs]. Excellent Target purchase. Truly, good work on tracking these down.

8:34 a.m. I should really ask [annoying unit director] where she got that necklace. If it’s local, I want it for that tacky Christmas thing next week. If it’s not more than say… $10. I could do $10. It’s a seasonal investment. Like these boots.

8:35 a.m. My calves look amazing today. UUhhh-mazing. Her hair is super blond. Has it always been that blond? It’s completely impossible for that necklace to be more than $10.

8:36 a.m. No way is it normally that blond. She’s totally graying. Eaaaasy on the L’Oreal, hun.

8:42 a.m. AH! What did [meeting organizer] just say about the top secret script for next we… he just said my name… he’s talking to me… he’s using me as an example for something and I’m not even listening… SHIT.

8:42 a.m. Crisis averted. Thank you, Jesus. I’m focusing for the next however many minutes this meeting lasts.

8:46 a.m. [Meeting concludes] I wonder what I’m having for lunch? Oohhh, I’m def taking that other half of asiago to GO.

Sincerely,

Sally B.