Sincerely, Sally B.
Hungry like the wolf (or other small, undomesticated canine species) My parents live in the kind of neighborhood in suburban Atlanta that sends out homeowners association e-newsletters. Because my mother fully supports my penchant for grammar policing and mocking misspellings and run-on sentences (that plague this particular newsletter), she usually forwards them to me. They typically include the suburban soccer mom equivalent of Homeland Security debriefings, which 99 percent of the time involve, but are not limited to: the occasional car break in, hooligan teenagers and their destructive shenanigans involving toilet paper, baby diapers in the swimming pool and roaming coyotes. It seems that the coyotes have been of particular high interest recently because they’ve begun showing up in larger numbers and even in packs. My extensive research* reveals that this is due to a combination of drought, lack of appropriate food sources and urban sprawl. So when mom sent me this month’s newsletter, I, naturally, started to roll this potential danger around in my head. Then, proceeded to initiate what some might call an irrationally paranoid and anxiety-ridden email exchange with my family. Needless to say, I did not get the reaction I was hoping for. And I do not appreciate being the only one concerned by this OTP coyote coup. Me: Ok, seriously, this concerns me… they are bigger than I expected… and BOLD! To just climb up on a deck like that! Are they usually that dark colored? Are they breeding with local dogs?!? Has anyone’s cat or pet bunny been eaten?! Is everything we know and love crumbling around us?! What’s next… raccoon-cat beasts?! Bat-bird creatures?! My god… I need prozac. And to stop watching those trailers for the 2012 movie. Mom: YES…you need a chill pill, but wine is tastier! Dad: A bit spooky that it was out in the daytime. The baby: Don’t EVER call ME anxious!!!!! Me: Could you all please just be serious for a second here! We’re talking about a relative of the wolf! We must protect this house! I saw Dances with Wolves and this is NOTHING like it. Where the hell is Kevin Costner?! Where are the guns?! When I’m at my parents for Thanksgiving next week, I’ll be at threat level orange. Don’t plan on seeing me out. Sincerely, Sally B. *Five-minutes worth of Google searches

Hungry like the wolf (or other small, undomesticated canine species)

My parents live in the kind of neighborhood in suburban Atlanta that sends out homeowners association e-newsletters. Because my mother fully supports my penchant for grammar policing and mocking misspellings and run-on sentences (that plague this particular newsletter), she usually forwards them to me. They typically include the suburban soccer mom equivalent of Homeland Security debriefings, which 99 percent of the time involve, but are not limited to: the occasional car break in, hooligan teenagers and their destructive shenanigans involving toilet paper, baby diapers in the swimming pool and roaming coyotes.

It seems that the coyotes have been of particular high interest recently because they’ve begun showing up in larger numbers and even in packs. My extensive research* reveals that this is due to a combination of drought, lack of appropriate food sources and urban sprawl. So when mom sent me this month’s newsletter, I, naturally, started to roll this potential danger around in my head. Then, proceeded to initiate what some might call an irrationally paranoid and anxiety-ridden email exchange with my family. Needless to say, I did not get the reaction I was hoping for. And I do not appreciate being the only one concerned by this OTP coyote coup.

Me: Ok, seriously, this concerns me… they are bigger than I expected… and BOLD! To just climb up on a deck like that! Are they usually that dark colored? Are they breeding with local dogs?!? Has anyone’s cat or pet bunny been eaten?! Is everything we know and love crumbling around us?! What’s next… raccoon-cat beasts?! Bat-bird creatures?! My god… I need prozac. And to stop watching those trailers for the 2012 movie.

Mom: YES…you need a chill pill, but wine is tastier!

Dad: A bit spooky that it was out in the daytime.

The baby: Don’t EVER call ME anxious!!!!!

Me: Could you all please just be serious for a second here! We’re talking about a relative of the wolf! We must protect this house! I saw Dances with Wolves and this is NOTHING like it. Where the hell is Kevin Costner?! Where are the guns?!

When I’m at my parents for Thanksgiving next week, I’ll be at threat level orange. Don’t plan on seeing me out.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

*Five-minutes worth of Google searches

Posted 2 years ago