“Heartbreak Warfare” from John Mayer’s Battle Studies (released today)

Mr. Mayer,

You are that which I loathe to love and vice-versa. Admission: I’ve seen you live more times than you’ve put out albums. Favorite: That time we saw you in the LaGrange College gym in 2001. There were maybe 75 people there. You were visibly drunk. We weren’t. It rained the whole way there and back. I forced two friends to take my other tickets. They wanted to kill me. Then I played them a not-quite-legal recording of “Man on the Side.” [I’d apologize about that, but I’m actually not sorry.] You’re a long way from Inside Wants Out and opening shows for Guster, with all the spastic tweets, last year’s Borat banana hammock cruise incident and US Weekly romance covers. Nonetheless, I believe you are a man who oozes talent. and skill. and, if I’m being honest, I want to have your illegitimate children whenever I hear a new album. Every. Time. Despite my best efforts to hate your obnoxious celebrity guts.

Sincerely,

Sally B.

P.S. Norah Jones’ “The Fall” is out today, too. I plan on bringing that puppy through itunes ASAP. Love. Her. Face.