Honest to god, I cannot even believe it - I somehow managed to kill the effing fish.

I’m going to keep this short and sweet because the mere fact that it happened is only adding to this chapter of my quarter-life+1 crisis, which I’ve recently entitled “I kill everything I touch.” So, naturally, when I found the fish who will forevermore be referred to as CJS1 floating in his aquadome on Saturday morning, my ever-supportive, if not bossy, best friend/roommate insisted that I drag him back to Petco and demand a replacement. ((long sigh)) Here he is folks, CJS2. He’s incredibly healthy and even borders on excessively aggressive. Which obviously means he’s proven for natural selection and a happy life in the aquadome. FML.

P.S. That same asshole in the fish section gave me a serious case of the “how the hell did you kill that goldfish in only 7 days” eye. And I want you to know I gave him a hellacious amount of “seriously, you prick, did you know he was dying when you handed me the bag last weekend” face right back. What a douche bag.

Sincerely,

Sally B.