There is so much to be afraid of. I know, because I’m my mother’s child. [Enter the extreme irrational fear of suburban gang violence, drunk drivers, delivery men and the ocean.] But I think what I’m most scared of lately is the gym. Think about it. You’re more likely to get hurt or embarrassed there than in a carjacking. All in the name of vanity. And physical fitness.

• The elliptical machine terrifies me because it too closely resembles a meat grinder.
• I once saw a child fall off a treadmill and bust her head. (A.) Who let that child in the cardio room?! Idiots. (B.) Why in god’s name was it OK for her to be wearing Crocs on a treadmill. (C.) Who brings their kid to the gym?! Developmental body issues, much?! And, (D.) Did I mention she was wearing Crocs?! Atrocious.
• I’ve been told I workout at the local “old people’s gym” so now I’m constantly staring at anyone who looks to be over 45 because I’m paranoid that one of them will have a heart attack and drop dead. I even followed an elderly gentlemen to his car recently because he was sweating profusely and looked near-blackout, then ducked behind a minivan when he started with the over-the-shoulder suspicious glances. Not on my watch, grandpa.
• Aerobic classes. The very definition of awkwardly dangerous. If I had a penny for every time some soccer mom or sorostitue almost kicked my teeth out…
• I need loud workout music. I’m sure it’s to blame for my partial deafness, but nonetheless, I always end up yelling at people to ask if they’re done with a machine or if they’re waiting for the back stretchy thingy. Which is its technical name. One day, someone’s going to hit me for unexpected shouting. I’m as sure of it as I am that *Paul the Personal Trainer knows I’m checking out his ass.
• One day, someone will break a foot when I drop a 15 lb dumbbell on it. And I’m clumsy. So the likelihood is exponentially greater that I’ll break my own foot.
• I’m constantly worried that someone will leap from the second story walkers track onto the cardio room floor. If I was planning to throw myself from a great height, why not do it there? Plenty of witnesses and machinery on which to impale myself. Someone should really consult management about closing that thing off. Note to self, draft letter to gym regarding…

Sincerely,

Sally B.

*This is not his real name. That I’m aware of.