freezinmaovariesoff.com
Sincerely,
Sally B.
Hold Onto Your Hats
I’ve been talking about this week a lot. But it’s finally here. On Thursday, the six of us will cram ourselves into an SUV loaded down with sparkling booze, 80s music and complex carbohydrates, and promptly begin celebrating the impending nuptials of our bestest friend. And by that I mean, we’ll be drunk. A lot. And probably talking about sex like a bunch of 12-year-old boys in a tree house. This year will definitely be the best. Here’s how I know:
- I plan on eating at least 15 s’mores.
- I’m incorporating 3 champagne bottles into my “Love is a battlefield” playlist routine.
- I’m pretty sure I’ll mildly scare the hell out of the MOH, who is traveling with us for the first time, without completely traumatizing her. It’s about balance, really.
- I’m on constant high-alert for any bears or other large clawed mammal that likes to eat fleshy short girls who eat too many s’mores and then try to venture out to the car to look for their Blackberry charger.
- I won’t catch the carpet, my hair, my polar fleece, my striped Old Navy pajama bottoms, one of my traveling companions on fire.
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I won’t cry.My friend is getting married. I’ll probably shed a stupid shitty tear. - Booze. And more booze.
- I won’t drown in the hot tub because I will not combine booze and the hot tub.
- Whether I want to or not, we’ll be laughing until I literally, almost, pee myself. Or actually pee myself.
- I’m not going to be embarrassed when we get measured for the BM dresses on Sunday back in Atlanta and Billy the dressmaker puts me down for a size 68 short (see booze and complex carb-related notes above).
Sincerely,
Sally B.
Happy Groundhog Day
This is a groundhog. And his fat furry ass will text you the weather. And THAT is why I’d like to have my own groundhog one day. Oh, and because they can drive.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
And in other news, major television networks and the entire motion picture industry announce they’ll be canceling all prime time shows and will halt production on a number of film projects currently in progress for the 15-35 year old audience due to a lack of content. Film at 11.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
We’re really good at this.
The roommate and I are dogsitting this weekend. Her name is Sicily. Well, it was. Until I realized that she’s the spitting image of someone… from somewhere…. and then it hit me. So we decided Sicily doesn’t work for us. Now she has a new name. I know her mother will be thrilled that we’ve changed her name to that of a MTV celebrity. We just think Snooki is a classier choice for this pooch. I even taught her a trick. She dances without showing her crack.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
"Welcome to the Shore" Word of the Day
Word: cosmeticize (verb)
Meaning: to make (something unpleasant or ugly) superficially attractive
Example sentence: The authors of the legislation have cosmeticized it with tax breaks and tax cuts.
Jersey Shore sentence: Eh, no frickin’ way is cosmeticize a real live word, you gorilla juice-head.
Cut me some slack. This is all I have now.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
The Music Man
I have a friend. But I didn’t always call him friend. We were only preteens back home in suburban Atlanta in the days when we might have shared a Georgia history book, a homeroom teacher and the occasional bathroom hall pass. My only real memory of him is from 9th grade, and it involves a ratty beanie and a too-big-for-his-frame Starter jacket. He sat behind me in economics. Or was it algebra? And I don’t remember if we ever spoke directly to each other. Which is why I never knew he was hiding an immense talent underneath that heavy coat.
I have another friend from those days, one who I’ve shared a lifetime of memories and dreams and laughter and heartache with over the years. Once upon a time in New York, these two friends met, fell in love, rode the subway, drank some wine, met a red panda, fell apart but not out of love, danced in the dark, tried to forget each other and remembered why they fell in love in the first place.
And that’s how I met my friend Ron Pope, who was only a name and a black-and-white photo in a dusty yearbook until a March trip to the city. I watched him hold my friend’s hand. I listened to him sing and captivate an audience. Wield a guitar. I helped him eat some unforgettable Greek food. I thought about how his story would read in Rolling Stone. How I might write it.
Last week, something happened. Radio stations in Detroit, Denver and Madison, Wisconsin, started playing his music. He’s already sold a zillion an unreasonably large number of songs on itunes and has been featured on MTV. But this seemed like … the start of something more. Like crying 15 year olds, VH1 Storytellers and the Grammys.
So, man the phones! Get on the horn! Call your local radio station! Request “A Drop in the Ocean” by my friend Ron Pope! Maybe it will get you off my shit list. [Don’t fool yourself. You’re still on it.] And don’t be alarmed. I also think he looks AND sounds like Rob Thomas + John Mayer’s love child.
This may not be Rolling Stone, but it’s all I’ve got. For now.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
I’m not sure if you know this, but I’m sick to death of all this… kindness. Napkin Jesus NOTES in my lunch?! What’s next… a “Thanks for being you” scribbling on my mirror?! A… HUG?! No, sir. This roommate has got. to. go.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
Terribly Unlikely Movie Storyline Monday: Mannequin
Where DO they hide all the musicians?!
[Yuh-huh. It’s happening. Don’t try to fight it.]
Sincerely,
Sally B.
So like, right now for example. The Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, “What about the strain on our resources?” Well it’s like when I had this garden party for my father’s birthday, right? I put R.S.V.P. ‘cause it was a sit-down dinner. But some people came that like did not R.S.V.P. I was like totally buggin’. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, and squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much.
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Cher, “Clueless” Sincerely, Sally B. (via jshdivision) (via rickahh) (via blue-monday) (via mar-see-ah) |
I also do my new favorite thing, the walk-away. When people are just trying to convince me and I just walk away…. Also the slide… where you just don’t say anything. And just slide away.
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Fashion PR maven Kelly Cutrone on dealing with crashers and seat-changers And the student becomes the teacher… my coworkers have NO idea what’s coming at ‘em. Sincerely, Sally B. (via meredithbklyn) |
