December 2009
35 posts
“I will take you to the movie on one condition… that you promise not to rat...”
– Dad, on the way to last night’s father-daughter movie night
Sincerely,
Sally B.
Felony Tuesday
The Baby and I committed a felony this afternoon. We opened someone else’s mail. But when I saw Mom’s name on that envelope from the department of automated traffic enforcement, I couldn’t help myself. Sure enough, a photo-enforced traffic ticket was enclosed for running a red light. So we did the mature thing. And ran around the house waving it in the air like an edict from the...
Help me, little baby Jesus.
Dad: Well, it's time for a favorite holiday tradition... Al [my uncle], we do this ever year in celebration of Christmas... we watch... Monty Python and the Holy Grail!
Mom: Can't we watch something more... uplifting? Like... Christmas Vacation?
“Do you have one that sings in English?”
– Mom, to the sales person at the Georgia Aquarium gift shop, while debating the purchase of a stuffed penguin that sings Feliz Navidad.
Don’t even bother trying to tell her that Feliz Navidad IS in English. And, no, singing it to her won’t help either.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
WatchIt’s been too long since I last maneuvered traffic in the greater metropolitan Atlanta area. Even though I grew up there and lived there after college, I’ve been having panic attacks that look like this every time I think about driving around town to finish my Christmas shopping this week. If this escalates, everyone I know will be getting an apple wrapped in shiny snowman paper.
...
Were you curious where I got this mouth?
Me: Hey, is mom there?
Dad: Yes, but she's tossing the salad right now.
Me: Ok, just have her call me back.
Dad: Ok, after dinner... Dane's here.
Me: Who?
Dad: Dane.
Me: Oh, I didn't know he was coming over.
Dad: ... sorry... I guess I forgot to update my Face Page...
Me: [speechless]
WatchI’m sure you want to know what I’ve been doing with myself since Glee’s been on hiatus… but let’s get serious… It’s not like I’ve been sitting around all evening every day this week watching amateur acappella groups compete for a record contract.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
We're not racist; we're just stupid.
The middle [who is a nurse]: Oh, look [points at television], I've seen those two girls at the hospital.
Mom: Really? They're just precious. What's wrong with them? Why are they there?
The middle: They've both got sickle cell and they're getting treatment.
The baby: What's that?
The middle: Sickle cell anemia. It's.... [some really ridiculously long medical explanation]
The baby: Ok, in English this time.
The middle: Basically, it's a disease.
The baby: [making a weird face]
Me: No, you don't have it.
The middle: Yeah, no, you don't. I mean... well, it's mostly more common in black people. People who have it, their red blood cells are shaped like a C.
The baby: Oh...[thinks for a minute] ... is there something white people can have that black people can't?
Mom: [from behind her magazine] A white baby.
Me: Ohhh, jesus.
The middle: [to me] Does she know she said that out loud?
WatchWhat?! You know the answer to that… Of course I have a Google Alert for when they announce a tour.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
It's a man's world.
Me: Hey, Daddy! I was just wondering if you were going to the Laniers' daughter's wedding tonight?
Dad: Nope [slurping noises]. I'm afraid we're not. Whatchu doing?
Me: Ehh, just driving home. So, what are you doing tonight then?
Dad: Well, I'm sitting down here... in the basement... drinking eggnog... and watching the tube. Clint Eastwood is about to shoot 'em up.
Me: Uhh, you by yourself?
Dad: Nope. Dogs are with me.
Me: Ok... where's mom?
Dad: [long sigh] Shopping. With. Your sister.
Me: Right. Gotcha. Ok, well enjoy your man time.
Dad: Yep. Will do, sweetie. [hangs up]
Me: [to myself] He needs grandsons. Bad.
Unacceptable
I saw something today. It was so …horrific, so frightful… that I could not bring myself to take a photo of it with my berry. It was… macaroni and cheese pizza. I… know. I KNOW. It was terrible. Just awful. But, there’s more. People were… eating it. And… I was one of them.
I had to!
When your boss gives you a coupon to a free lunch buffet at Cici’s...
WatchNEW MUSIC TUESDAY!
Sincerely,
Sally B.
It's here! It's here! Just what I wanted for... →
When life hands you lemons...
Mom: Hiiiii thereeee!
Me: Are Swiss Rolls the same thing as ho hos?
Mom: Excuse me?
Me: I'm at Walmart... making the Ho Ho Trifle again for the the Christmas lunch tomorrow.
Mom: THE WHAT?!
Me: Mom. The Ho Ho Trifle. With ho hos, strawberries, you know. For the work Christmas lunch. Everybody brings a dessert.
Mom: Oh... UGH, why are you making THAT?!
Me: Because it's easy, cheap and I made it last year and it was a hit.
Mom: It sounds decadent and disgusting.
Me: Yeah, basically... I need fresh lemon juice. But I think I just used it from the bottle last year.
Mom: No, just get lemons.
Me: But how many for a 1/4 cup?
Mom: I don't know... 2?
Me: 2?
Mom: Probably... depending on how hard you squeeze them.
Me: Wow, ok.
Mom: Get more than that if you don't believe me!
Me: I'm just getting it from the bottle. Anyway... [convo continues while I wander Walmart]
Mom: Ok, I'm going to go so I can feed your father and the dogs.
Me: WAIT, I still need lemon juice! Where do I find lemon juice in this place! I hate it here.
Mom: Honey, my god! With the lemons! With the produce! In the produce section! Just go get 2 lemons.
Me: Fine... oh, wait, I just found one of those stupid lemon-shaped plastic thingies with lemon juice. I'm getting that.
Survivor: Christmas
I fully ADORE this time of year. But I want to spit when I get cheerful emails with titles like “Your Holiday Survival Guide” or “10 Ways to Survive the Season” from mags like Real Simple or Martha Stewart Living et al [I’m allowed to say this because I’m guilty of sending similar bogus shitmail this time of year.] only to open them and find a styled pic of some...
Acronym Hell
Task forces are so HOT right now. In this country, we’ve got a task force on breast cancer screenings, a task force on climate change and now my employer has embraced the movement and has begun creating task forces all over campus. Yes, they’re important. Yes, they’ll help keep us safe and informed. Yes, they’re a wonderful excuse for a breakfast meeting and...
“I had a dream you ate McDonald’s and I yelled at you.”
– The Baby
When you’re a diabetic with food-related allergies, everyone assumes you are also a moronic child who eats only Little Debbie snack cakes, McRib sandwiches and beef jerky at every meal. When your family members are neurotic, they dream that you are eating only Little Debbie snack...
Flash 'em the PR badge.
Me: You need to infiltrate their fortress. Go rogue.
Coworker: My contact is being slow to respond.
Me: F$$k your sources! Find another!
Me: ...this feels like a bad cop show.
Rihanna - “Rude Boy”
Announcing...
Just when you thought it was safe to quit... →
Cluck
Me: Hi there, I'd like the Triple Chick, please. With Fruity Fra...
Drive Thru Lady 1: Umm, Triple Chick?
Me: Yeah, with, uh, Fruity Fr...
Drive Thru Lady 1: Do you mean the Thrifty Chick? We don't have a Triple Chick... Triple Chick? [looking around and at Drive Thru Lady 2]
Me: Yeah, the one with three... [now we're just making funny faces at each other and I attempt dramatic hand gestures to describe chicken salad]
Drive Thru Lady 1: Oh, you mean the Chick Trio! With three?
Me: Yeah, I think... with three choices, right? Ok, just give me whatever has three scoops on there! I don't know what you people call all this chicken salad! Just the three! The one with three!
Drive Thru Lady 1: [now laughing uncontrollably through the window]
Me: You gals aren't going to forget about this, are you?
Drive Thru Lady 2: No ma'am.
Me: Damnit.
Drive Thru Lady 1: Ok, ok, here you go, Triple Chick.
“Oh. my. god… I haven’t seen a walk like that since Jurassic Park.”
– Originally brought to you by Michael Caine as Victor Melling in Miss Congeniality. Brought to me this morning by myself, out loud TO myself, when I caught a glimpse of my rain-soaked figure in one of the building’s full-length windows after trudging into work through the flood plain that is...
