October 2009
32 posts
Shoeless joes
Me: Hey, did you know that there's this... trend... where people just go around barefoot?!
Mom: Whaaaattt?!
Me: I know. It's completely disturbing. It's like, they've got somewhere to be and they just go there... wherever... but with no shoes on.
Mom: I don't understand.
Me: I knooooow. But that's how kids are these days. I just saw one of them walking around on campus, and I'm pretty sure he saw me staring at him. But it's raining and 59 degress outside right now! Which is basically freezing to these Alabamians.
Mom: WELL, I can tell you that I will NOT be participating in that trend. I will NOT be joining that Facebook group.
Me: Atta way, mom. That'll really teach those trendsters a lesson.
genevieveclare:
La Roux - Bulletproof
This was...
“You are so hoity-toity.You know what, you’re completely bourgeoisie…...”
– My mother thinks I’m a snob… to that I say: IT TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE.
If I have to hear one more damn word about that... →
I obviously have my priorities in order.
Me: I am TIRRRRRED today.
DK: Do some coke and jumping jacks - that'll fix ya right up.
Me: Pure genius right thuuuurrrr.
DK: Yes. Again, reason for me to be a doctor. But also an MD, in addition to PhD.
Me: Excellent. LOTS of letters after your name. I was just telling Linds that we need a pharmacist in the family.
DK: PhD = piled higher and deeper. Ah yes - good thought.
Me: Care's RN really does us no good.
DK: She needs to call Beyoncé and get an UPGRAAADEE!!
Me: No you did NOT.
DK: Yes, I just Direct TV'd all up in this bitch.
Me: I am guilty of singing a DC [that's Destiny's Child for all you haters] song today - it definitely happened.
DK: It's okay. I found myself listening to a song the other day and liking it, then found out it was a Taylor Swift song. That cannot be allowed to be found out by the male population.
DK: ... wow, I used found 3 times in that last message.
Me: ARE YOU taking coke and doing jumping jacks?
DK: * begin Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber mode * "It feels like you're running at an incredible rate!!"
Me: This convo has become reeeedic. I'm going to go because I really need to get back to finding out where all the vending machines with chocolate are within 100 yards of my office.
Once again, I make the case for a procreation... →
WatchHigh schools are very windy.
In summary: Love. Triangle. Is. ON. It’s sick how much I love Wednesdays now.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
Losersssssss
I’ve decided to re-post this on behalf of Fatty Tuesday, the cayenne pepper/ honey/ tea diet, Jillian’s triceps and the Chubs McGees of the world … and cause I wanna.
Every season I tell myself I won’t watch it. It’s like watching Titanic. You know what happens. The boat sinks. With The Biggest Loser, they eat nothing, workout all day and at the end they’re...
Symptoms: Long weekend with old friends, zero...
Roommate: Is it bad that I was wishing I would get really sick quickly so I could just go home and lay on the couch?
Me: It offends me that you have to ask. I've been trying to figure out how to fake an accidental yet mild head injury all morning.
Sometimes, I lie.
But it’s for everyone’s own good. (Lie.)
When I had surgery on my left hip, I told 7 people that I was attacked by a shark. I’m about 114 percent certain that 2 of them still believe it. Because I later told them it was an alligator bite. Apparently the shark was more believable. LIE.
When my roommate asks me how many DVR episodes of Glee I watched last weekend while she...
You go up against a JAP... you get bitch-slapped... →
Don’t call it a comeback.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
About damn time!
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Thanks for reading. Oh, and if you’re not going to follow by e-mail subscription, you sure as hell better...
I don't "do" tests.
DK: If you are flying a canoe across the desert and all of the wheels fall off, how many pancakes does it take to shingle a roof?
Me: This sounds like a LSAT question, so I'm going to go with: "Ned, Sarah, Bill and Anne will play for the blue team."
DK: Hmm, good answer. Fill out the rest of your scan-tron and we'll process it.
Me: [I just snapped my No. 2 pencil in half, flipped you off and walked out the door.]
Gym fears realized
There is so much to be afraid of. I know, because I’m my mother’s child. [Enter the extreme irrational fear of suburban gang violence, drunk drivers, delivery men and the ocean.] But I think what I’m most scared of lately is the gym. Think about it. You’re more likely to get hurt or embarrassed there than in a carjacking. All in the name of vanity. And physical fitness.
...
Naked women and free beer.
Dear Carmike Cinemas,
We’ve got a problem. I am impatient. But that’s not the problem. The problem is paying $9.25 for a movie ticket and then $15.50 for some popcorn and drinks… then having to wait 30 minutes for the theater to open… 15 minutes behind schedule… and no previews. Now, this may be odd, but I actually enjoy the previews. I look forward to them. I like...
Groovy Friday.
Shameless New York shout out/...
The one in which I discuss the thing which I dare...
This week, I got the news that one of my oldest and dearest friends got engaged. First, let me say that she and the now fiancé have been in Australia all week. Vacay vomit. I hate you both.
Sure, we had quiet bets going about whether “it” would happen while they’re down there. [What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t take bets on the biggest decision she’ll ever make and her life’s future...
Take that, flu.
His flu shot nurse [to my boss]: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: He's allergic to the sound of my voice.
Boss: Yeah, but there's nothing she can give me for that.
Me: Touche, old man. Stick him in the right arm.
My flu shot nurse [sticks me in the arm]: Sorry, I know that stings.
Me: Not as much as when I get fired for being a smart ass.
“The Baby has already cost me hundreds of $ by merely dropping her phone and...”
– My father should not be allowed to read the New York Times. It makes him very serious/ insane. Who wants to bet he sent this from his Blackberry in the car?
Sincerely,
Sally B.
To the young mother whose child went ape shit at...
Dear, sweet woman,
Get that kid A DAMN LEASH. Or at least some Adderall. Seriously, next time, maybe he won’t knock your entire drink into your purse, causing you to shriek and scare the ever-loving crap out of me. Also, watching him thrash around while you clean it up is completely distracting. Especially when I’m trying to listen to my friend tell perfectly good stories about townie...
This is why you're fat. →
Finally, an explanation.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
