July 2010
7 posts
3 tags
4 tags
“I tried on a romper. One word: disaster. I looked like I was two, walking around...”
– the baby
She may be young, but she’s wise.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
Healthy little tiger
me: I bet I'm the youngest person you've screened, right?
pharmacy student: Umm, yeah, you probably are.
me: Awesome... I should get a discount for that... like, another one.
pharmacy student: Do you want to do the optional body mass checker?
me: ... HELL no. But thanks. It just looks like it wants to ruin my afternoon.
pharmacy student: So now I'll do a cholesterol test ... and just prick your finger...
me: I can handle that. Here ya go... so is there a way to really win this thing? [shaking my clenched fist at her] What's the best number?
pharmacy student: Well, the optimal number is less than 200.
me: No problem. I got this.
pharmacy student: [after a few minutes] Ok, it looks like your total cholesterol is 230 wh-
me: WHAT?! Like, more than 200? Not possible. I'm 27.
pharmacy student: Well, you do have a history of heart disease in your family and you're a diabetic so you'll want to get that down, which you can do by-
me: Eating Cheerios, I know... damn... reality check, right?!
pharmacy student: That's why you're here.
me: NOOO, I'M HERE FOR THE $25 DISCOUNT ON MY HEALTH INSURANCE... I'm sorry I just yelled at you. And slammed my fist on this chair.
pharmacy student: It's ok. [pats my arm]
Thoughts on Lebron
Who the hell is Lebron? Seriously, I don’t even know… he plays basketball or something, right? Something about the heat? It’s July fools. Of course it’s hot. Especially in Miami. I think I’m OOTL on this one because I’m short. And short people don’t know shit about basketball.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
June 2010
5 posts
“One of my kids peed in the sink today. Do you know what I made her do? CLEAN...”
– the baby
She’s very serious about becoming an educator.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
Woofer
Boss: Do you ever watch Cougar Town?
Me: Uhh. No. But I think I've caught a few minutes of it before.
Boss: You know there's that Latin actress... she's got an 18 year-old son!
Me: Really? Huh. [annoyed that we're having this conversation]
Boss: I know. She doesn't look old enough to have an 18 year-old.
Me: Nope. [really annoyed we're having this conversation]
Boss: She said she was pregnant when Scarface was the hot movie, so she named him Manolo.
Me: Like Blahnik?! [no longer annoyed]
Boss: What?
Me: Nothing. [annoyed again]
Boss: That was back when Michelle was hot.
Me: Yeah, where's she been?
Boss: I don't know... the last thing I saw her in was that woofer movie with Clooney.
Me: A dog movie?
Boss: No. Like it sucked. Woofer.
Me: Oh... woofer... who knows...
Boss: It was like 1990... it was about... feelings.
Me: Oh, One Fine Day.
4 tags
Shocking, I Know
I must be the only person on planet Earth who could not give TWO SHITS that Apple has come out with some other effing “oh my god, you can’t live without this” latest i-thingy. I’m told it’s some fancy fast phone that can take your temperature and get you dates. Seriously, I’d care a helluva lot more if you said we’d finally figured out a way to domesticate...
natinthedistrict asked: in tears. welcome back. i love you. that is all.
1 tag
It's Time
It’s time… It’s time to talk about it. It’s time to talk about it here. Because I miss coming here. I miss this stupid little Internet space. And in total selfishness I want my life back.
Two months and 17 days ago, my father committed suicide. There are a lot of delicate ways to say it, but the hard truth is that he chose to end his life. I won’t ask you to...
March 2010
18 posts
3 tags
WatchSwish it up, gays.
I will completely lose myself when Glee finally comes back on April 13. Don’t come looking for me.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
3 tags
4 tags
6 tags
Forget health care, somebody's featured my high... →
I’d recognize that circle of crunkness anywhere.
As my good, dear friend Cletis once said, it’s about street cred.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
3 tags
“Peace Up, A-town Down!”
– File under: Things I need to stop saying when I pass that new guy in the hall, lest he start to think it’s the only English I know. Or that sometimes I drink alone. Or that I am the crazy lady who saves all of her finger nail clippings. Even though one of those things could possibly be true.
...
3 tags
3 tags
Next year. March 1st. It's on. →
3 tags
Erin, Go Get Your Bragh
Don’t get me wrong, I love the Irish. Really, I love them. They’ve given great meaning to whiskey, body soap and religious conflict. But my people are Welsh. Corgi-lovin, folk-playin, taffy shepherds who can take a drink. And that ain’t no four-leaf clover.
Yeah, fine, I’ll partake in tomorrow’s Irish-American St. Patty’s traditions because it just so happens...
Top 10 Reasons Betty White Should Adopt Me
10. I live with a Norwegian so I can spell Lutefisk. 9. I like to make fun of Sandra Bullock, too. 8. I can wear the HELL out of a purple, nylon wind suit. And I did. 7. In the 80’s I was blonde. 6. I play flag football like her until I have a Snickers. 5. My anecdotes usually make people cry. From confusion. 4. I also want to host SNL. 3. I plan to be more popular at 88 than I am now. 2. I...
The Lion Queen
Me: The fish died.
Mom: A fish can't keep you company.
Me: Of course it can. I needed some other living thing in this house when [roommate] is traveling all the time and I'm completely alone.
Mom: You need a kitty.
Me: There are so many reasons why I'm not going to talk about getting a cat.
Mom: You're right... you have them and you love them... and then they die.
Me: That's one of the reasons.
Mom: [singing] It's the cirrrrrcle of liiiiifffee!
Me: Time to go.
Mom: [singing] Hakuna matata...
Me: I don't think that's the next part.
Let me tell you why this week CAN SUCK IT
Many doctors who have only negative, unfriendly things to say about how you manage your life. And by that I mean diet/ exercise/ alcohol intake.
Throwing your back out while scrubbing your fish bowl.
Having to clean the fish bowl again the next morning after the fish kicks the bucket overnight.
Rain, humidity, rain.
Flailing, sweating, flailing to get BandAids on the places where one of the...
2 tags
4 tags
We like to fight over a toddler that isn't ours
Me: I talked to the birthday boy today!
Mom: YOU DID?!?!
Me: I did. What? Didn't you?!
Mom: No, but I'm going to, and he's going to say my name and that he misses me the most.
Me: Fine, but I'll have you remember whose name he said first, and repeatedly, over Christmas.
Mom: Oh, shut up.
You should probably know...
I am sick and damn tired of you fools being uninformed.
If you want to see a woman go straight bananas, try to make me eat a Brussel sprout. You’ll walk over, but you’re limping back.
I am a pen hoarder. Like, go ahead and get A&E on the phone. [WARNING TO WOULD-BE LENDERS: If I like it, I’m taking it.]
I’m vicious and I fight dirty. I once chucked an air hockey...
2 tags
February 2010
15 posts
Not the kind you find in your pockets
I generally reject any form of self control, which is why I never get through a Lenten season without bum rushing whatever it was I moronically decided to try and withhold from myself for more than a month. I like to start by saying I’m giving up something held in high esteem, like:
green vegetables
yoga
Scotch
professional wrestling
Wednesdays
But then I guilt myself into taking it...
“I don’t think I’m being much help to you because the only advice I...”
– Somebody took the GA Bar Exam yesterday. And was completely unhelpful.
On the inappropriateness of singing in the...
Foremost, it’s distracting. Not in a good way.
I know it’s weird, but you ARE the only one who can hear the music through those ear buds.
I’m trying to enjoy my mid-morning beverage, lunch, rare silence, Internet browsing, but I can’t. BECAUSE ALL I HEAR IS YOUR VOICE.
This is an OFFICE. We do work here. Sort of. Anyway, this is NOT a playground. Go sit by yourself...
“I feel like I’m watching Edward Cullen on ice.”
– The roommate, while watching Canadian figure skater Patrick Chan free skate at the Olympics last night
3 tags
To 50 More
I am terrible at secrets. And I’m the world’s worst liar. I literally lack the ability to tell a lie - big or small - and have any single soul believe it. Lying comes so unnaturally to me that when I’m forced to fake it I contort my face, spit when I talk and bite my lower lip until it swells. Which only makes me look like Micky Rourke’s daughter. So, last week, I was more...
“Poison & Wine” - The Civil Wars...
The one in which we fail to listen.
Me: Did you see that Bill Clinton was admitted to the hospital for having chest pa-
Mom: DID HE DIE?!
Me: ... uh.. no?
Mom: DID HE DIIIIIEEEE?!?!
Me: I mean, I wasn't there... so, I don't think so... they're just saying he was admitted to the hospital with chest pai-
Mom: Wait... [TV noise in the background]... Oh, it sounds like he's alive.
Me: Right.
Mom: Good thing he wasn't in Haiti.
Me: What?
Mom: Hahaha! Oh, sorry. Ok.
WatchGood news: I still have my ovaries.
Bad news: We ate all the s’mores.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
4 tags
4 tags
Hold Onto Your Hats
I’ve been talking about this week a lot. But it’s finally here. On Thursday, the six of us will cram ourselves into an SUV loaded down with sparkling booze, 80s music and complex carbohydrates, and promptly begin celebrating the impending nuptials of our bestest friend. And by that I mean, we’ll be drunk. A lot. And probably talking about sex like a bunch of 12-year-old boys in a...
3 tags
Sex education classes that focus on encouraging... →
And in other news, major television networks and the entire motion picture industry announce they’ll be canceling all prime time shows and will halt production on a number of film projects currently in progress for the 15-35 year old audience due to a lack of content. Film at 11. Sincerely,
Sally B.
January 2010
41 posts
5 tags
3 tags
369. You don't get to choose your own nickname.
(via rulesformyunbornson)
Ain’t that a fact.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
"Welcome to the Shore" Word of the Day
Word: cosmeticize (verb)
Meaning: to make (something unpleasant or ugly) superficially attractive
Example sentence: The authors of the legislation have cosmeticized it with tax breaks and tax cuts.
Jersey Shore sentence: Eh, no frickin’ way is cosmeticize a real live word, you gorilla juice-head.
Cut me some slack. This is all I have now.
Sincerely,
Sally B.
5 tags
The Music Man
I have a friend. But I didn’t always call him friend. We were only preteens back home in suburban Atlanta in the days when we might have shared a Georgia history book, a homeroom teacher and the occasional bathroom hall pass. My only real memory of him is from 9th grade, and it involves a ratty beanie and a too-big-for-his-frame Starter jacket. He sat behind me in economics. Or was it...